Grief & Hope


The Lord is my shepherd, 
I shall not want; 
He makes me lie down in green pastures. 
He leads me beside still waters; 
He restores my soul. 
He leads me in paths of righteousness 
for His name’s sake. 

Even though I walk through the valley 
of the shadow of death, 
I fear no evil; 
for You are with me; 
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me 
all the days of my life; 
and I shall dwell in the house of the 
Lord forever.
Psalm 23
Sometimes it is hard to write about life when it is so intense and personal, not to mention confusing.  Today we found out that what we had hoped was just a difficult pregnancy was, in fact, a miscarriage.  I have come to despise that word, it implies some kind of carelessness, thoughtlessness or lack of preparedness, it brings to mind other uses like “miscarriage of justice”; and I think to myself, “NO! That is not it at all!”  We have lost our baby and while they were with us they were deeply loved and wanted, there is no word that adequately covers the sense of loss, of emptiness and sadness in my heart.  

This is a season which I will long search for purpose in, and may never find it, however one thing I know; that our babe has been spared the suffering of life on this earth, and while I may never hold her (for some reason, in my head, she has a female voice), she has been taken into the greatest joy of life in the presence of God, eternal, wise and loving God.  I am sad, but not without hope, weeping but assured by His presence that Joy will come in the morning.

Thank you for all your prayers and loving support, I never knew how truly loved we were until this week, you have all blessed us beyond words.

Yours in hope

Babe, Bed Rest and boredom!!

OK, so here is the update, from my bed; at this time I would like to point out that typing without sitting up or engaging one’s abs is exceedingly hard!!

Firstly, thank you so much for all your prayers and offers of help, be assured that we treasure these and will be sure to let you know if you can help with the boys or anything; we are so blessed to have such great friends.
So, here is the situation, on Thursday we went to meet our midwife, and what was supposed to be a tour of the birthing center and meeting our midwife, was rather transformed by the fact that I had already been bleeding for 24 hours when we first met.  Amy, our midwife, is the personification of calm and the birthing center was so restful that, despite the million and one questions running through my head, I was much restored by being there.  We were able to get a look at the babe on the sonogram, and since I am only six weeks, all we saw was a sac and possible fetal cone ( for the uninitiated, this is before any skeleton or anything is visible, basically the spinal column and yolk sac- precursor to placenta).  So, I am definitely pregnant and not imagining it! That is good news!
However, the past 36 hours have been very difficult. Upon leaving our meeting with Amy, armed with instructions, assurances and a list of supplements, I started having cramps and became so uncomfortable that the only tolerable position was curled up, fetal-style, in bed. Which is how I spent all of yesterday and most of today.  My loving hubby has been awesome, taking the boys away pretty much all day so I can rest in peace and quiet, except that now he is tired too and needs a break.  Thank God for family and community.
Yesterday was excruciating, uncomfortable both physically and emotionally; not knowing what my body is doing is probably the hardest part, and since all I can do is wait and be patient, all I can do is trust God that the outcome of this pregnancy was determined before the foundation of the world and that He, in all His wisdom, has chosen to include me in it for His Glory.  
Today, I have tried to reintegrate into a largely vertical society, but find my self exhausted by even the simplest of tasks, so it is back to bed with me and a great opportunity to exercise patience, which most of you know me to be sorely lacking in!  
Please continue to pray for our health (mine and the babe), but also for Luke and the boys that they would be well in their souls and have peace and patience with this situation.